Letting go

I made a decision to cut down two poplar trees I had planted a few years ago. They have grown to a great height and have not yet reached full growth. I had planted them for a couple of reasons. One being for shade and the other was the comfort of the sound of the wind through the leaves. It reminded me of my childhood and carefree days. The thought of cutting them has been with for a couple years and I was hesitant and dreading the fact that it was looking like I needed to remove them.

One issue with the trees is that I planted them too close to the house and the wind was causing them to curve towards my house. The other was the one tree furthest north had been snapped by wandering horses one winter and it was a branch that continued the growth of the tree. This caused a curve in it that would one day snap according to some tree experts I had sought advice from.

Today I decided it was time and I called a tree removal expert to ensure safety and prevent a fallout onto my house. The decision was not easy.
I was surprised as they were coming today and I thought I would have time to accept my decision.

With mixed feeling and a heavy heart, I took my tobacco and went out to place at the base and I asked for the trees forgiveness. I held on to them tightly and recalled a spring day in the mountains near White Horse, where an elder had me hold onto a tree till I felt the life within that tree. I was raw and deep with the grief of my husbands passing then and was open to all forms of healing that helped ease my pain. Now here I was and as I held onto the two trees today one by one I remembered planting them and praying and talking to them to take hold. It was always a challenge to get trees to grow on this hillside and many attempts failed. I prayed hard for their survival.

They did take hold and they grew fast. I loved the leaves in the breeze and the sound it made. I loved looking out from my bedroom window and watching the leaves dance. Especially during those first summers without my husband. I would stare at them for hours as they would soothe me and calm my emotions.

As I stood there and held on to them and looked up I let my tears fall. I felt like I was taking their life and I apologized from my deepest place. It hurt and it still hurts. I would never make a wood cutter. I asked for their forgiveness and I asked if they could warm my home when they are dried and I promised I would again give thanks for them. Like when they soothed my soul and when they kept me cool in the hot summer sun. And for watching us grow and the years they spent with us.

I came into my home and my daughter came in and asked how I was. I told her I was sad and I started crying again. She held me and I sobbed harder. I realize I am letting a lot more go then the trees and I am not sure what that all consists of quite yet. We are all interrelated. Life flows through all that surrounds us. We all come and we all go. Their roots will live on for some time yet like the memories of who we once were will live on into the next generations. Until we are forgotten.